Holding it in…

I went to see a therapist today because since my dad’s death I feel numb.  I can feel the anger and the sadness sitting right under my heart like it’s just waiting for a loose seam to come bursting out.  Why do we do that….hold things in that we know will hurt if we let them out?  Don’t we realize that holding them in hurts twice as bad?  The therapist told me that I feel numb because as long as I don’t have to talk about what happened then I am able to distance myself from it.  Is that what I’m doing because I feel like there is absolutely no distance between me and the pain?  I’ve been the strong one my whole life; the person other people went to when they needed help.  I never realized that if you are always the strong one it makes it near impossible to lean on someone even if they tell you that you can.  People keep telling me it will be ok and I want to scream that ‘OK’ isn’t good enough.  The last time I felt that the world was really right was when I hugged my dad the  night before his surgery.  He’s been gone two weeks today and I still can’t make myself believe that he’s not coming back.  I  must tell myself a hundred times a day that he is gone but when the phone rings at 6 on a Sunday night I still think it’s going to  be him.  Why can’t they have phone lines in heaven?

Pain can become like an old friend; it’s there when you go to sleep, it’s there when you wake up, it’s there as you stumble through your day.  Eventually the pain will be what comforts you because it’s all that you know; the healing part when the pain starts to go away will feel like letting go of him all over again.

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