Inside the Silence

Before I had a husband or children I had silence in my life.  I used to sit in my living room, no tv blaring, no iPod buds stuck in my ears and I’d let the silence surround me.  It was so therapeutic to feel closed off from the world simply by removing its sounds even if for only moments a day.  Something happens when the  noise on the outside of your head diminishes, a clarity of thought envelopes you.  Sometimes you can feel the pain inside you more strongly than before but it’s almost as if feeling it uncompromised helps you deal with it more efficiently.

I struggle to find the silence in my days since becoming a wife and mother.  The spaces around me fill up with noise from children arguing, dogs barking, and lawns being mowed.  Sometimes the noise on the outside of me gets so loud that my mind feels like it is drowning and it isn’t until a tiny little voice whispers, “I love you mommy,” that the noise if filtered out by the music.  Most days I really have no recollection of what silence sounds like and the things on the inside of me lose their originality as they get tangled and fused together by the noise.  I wish there was a kill switch that I could flip when the chalk outlines around who I am are beginning to fade from the noise shuffling its feet over top of me.  I’ve tried to stuff cotton in my ears or pull a pillow over my head but somehow the noise always gets through.  Once a very long time ago the noise didn’t bother me;  I was young and foolish and I thought it was the silence that made people lonely.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized  a person could be standing in the middle of a hockey stadium filled with screaming fans and feel like the loneliness was about to consume them.

I want to find that quiet place inside my head where the pain or the fear have stopped whispering in my ear; the place where children laugh and dogs lay quietly at your feet.  Somewhere I need to find the silence so that I can retrace my outlines for all to see and learn how to turn down the volume on the noises that deafen my spirit.

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