finding solace…

I decided that today was the day I’d do housekeeping on my email account.  I hate housekeeping my house but I do it because I also  hate messes, so today I took on the task of deleting old unimportant emails.  As I began to bulk highlight and delete one email address stopped me in my tracks.  Dunc1@….     my dad’s email address.  There were so many times that my dad forwarded me emails he’d gotten from other people and I deleted them most times without reading them but this one was different.  This email was one where my dad wrote how proud of me he was, how  he thought I was a good mother, and he was glad he lived long enough to see me happy.  Today is one month and one week since my dad passed away and the email was dated one month and one week before he left this earth.  I can’t tell you how hard it was to read that email, as wonderful as it was to see the words, “I’m proud of you, ” from him it was equally painful.  I keep asking him to give me signs that he is with me; I know he is here but for some reason I need verification.  I suppose I couldn’t ask for more of a sign than an email reminding me that my dad loved me as much as I loved him. 

Some of us wait our whole lives to hear that our parents are proud of us; I was lucky, my dad told me often.  I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call him to tell him how hard this all is and he’d be there on the other end of the phone to tell me to put it all in God’s hands.  I’m trying to do that every day but it’s hard to stop being a control freak.  I always thought if I could control all the things that affected me I’d be in a safe place where nothing could hurt me.  It turns out that controling of all the things that affect you, leaves you powerless.

I will read my dad’s email about fifty more times and then print it out so that I can make sure I never lose it like I lost him.  I want to carve his words into my heart so that I remember how it felt to make him proud.  In his pride, I find a small bit of solace from this pain.

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