bittersweet Thanksgiving

I have many things in my life for which I am thankful.  I have two beautiful healthy children, a loving husband, a great job, a nice house, a mom who moved just to be closer to me, friends, and things, and moments, and memories.  As I lay them out side by side, end to end there’s still a gap in the middle which prevents ‘me’ from feeling whole.  I suppose some may think me selfish; one can’t have everything can they?  The irony is that as I mourn the death of my father and grasp at remnants and bits and pieces of him that remain I keep hoping somehow the wholeness of my being will return but when my father was still alive and I felt ‘whole’ I never once attributed that to his presence in my life.   I was so selfish thinking that it was me who made me what I was and it took losing my dad for me to realize that I actually had little to do with it.

Sometimes I miss my dad so much that I actually find myself pleading with God to somehow some way to give my dad back to me.  I know people don’t rise from the dead but God is God and He can do anything right?  I wander through my days on autopilot to afraid to change the course for fear that if I stop moving I might never get back on track.  It really is amazing how much you can disguise pain for something else if you move too fast for anyone to catch a real glimpse.

I am thankful for things but I am also resentful, angry, bitter, and sad about a loss I know will never shrink in size.  Some say it will get easier but I’m  not sure I  believe them, I’m more convinced I’ll just become a better actress and begin fooling myself.

Tomorrow I will cry, just like I did today, and yesterday, and the day before that.  But tomorrow it will hurt more, if that’s possible.  Tomorrow I will say my thanks to God for the things He has given me and under my breath I will still plead for him to give me back what He has taken.

Be grateful for your loved ones.  Hold them.  Whisper your love into the air even if they can’t hear you.  Give them a piece of yourself that you’ve kept hidden.  Love them even if they can’t love you back.  Forgive them even if their actions seem unforgivable.  And measure your happiness not by what you have but by what you have not lost.

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