Temporary home…

Over the weekend I found out that another member of my family by marriage is going to move away.  A year ago the news wouldn’t have had the imprint it does now; a year ago family still meant a lot to me but I took its existence a lot more for granted.  It’s  been 8 months since my dad died and yet every day the wound still seems fresh and painful which makes knowing my family is about to get smaller much harder to accept.  I have so much envy for those of you that have family around you or even family not around you.  My family is small partly to the fact that my husband’s parents pretty much act like they have no extended family and mine, well my brother pretends he’s an orphan.  I have my mom and I thank God every single day that she is near me but beyond her I have cousins I rarely see and nothing else.  When I was growing up with a big extended family I never once imagined that some day my own kids would have cousins they didn’t see, an uncle that doesn’t care enough about anyone to make a difference, and a grandfather who loved them dearly and then was so wrongly stolen away.  It seems with every turn there is always something else I have to learn to live without and sometimes I’m at my wit’s end on how to achieve such success.

I’ve reached out to my brother so many times even though it is him who stole my chance away to say goodbye to my dad; I forgave him even though he didn’t deserve it. How can you make someone a decent human being?  How can you make someone not be selfish?  In my 43 years of living I still fail at both of those tasks yet for some unknown reason, I continue to try.  I want to look towards something wonderful, something hopeful, but most days I spend worrying about what will happen when my mom passes on because then I truly will feel alone.  My husband and my kids are here but no matter what they will never fill the void I have from losing my father and the cavernous hole I will have when my mom leaves me too. 

Appreciating what you have now is so hard to do when you have already caught a glimpse of what one day you will have to lose.

About this entry