The persistence of time…

Two years ago today my dad died.  Since that moment, time has been both an enemy and a savior.  Time passes regardless of our desire to make it stand still; its persistence the one mainstay we can always count on.  Maybe it is my need for self-destruction that causes me to relive that last 12 days of his life over and over; maybe it’s my need to find some sort of explanation in a situation of madness.  Whatever it is, my dad was my first thought this morning as he is every morning but my second was his tragedy.

We spend  our lives preparing for things even when most times we have no realistic idea of what those somethings are.  We teach our children lessons that we hope will aid them in their journey to adulthood, full well knowing that they will most likely have to learn every lesson the hard way just as we did.  No matter how hard  you try or how many tools you have in your arsenal or even how much time in advance you know something is going to happen – life can pull the rug out from under you and leave your heart dangling from a ledge.  I didn’t have any moments to prepare and now that two years have passed I know that it wouldn’t have made one bit of a difference.  I never got to say goodbye, a fact I can never change.  It haunts me, it often breaks me, and forever more it has shaped me into someone different from who I was  before.

Today I am going to plant lilies on my dad’s grave.  I am going to show him that driving 3 hours to visit a gravesite where only his physical being resides, is the least I can do to remind him I never gave up hope.

The persistence of time….is both my enemy and my savior.

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