Needy things…

I am broken.  Broken body, broken spirit.  Yes it is hard for me to need someone, I’ve had to rely on myself for so long if you look up Independent Woman in the dictionary, there’s probably a picture of me.  So here I am,  lame in more ways than one.  I hate  feeling like I have to rely on someone else to do the most essential things like putting dishes away, sweeping the floor, making dinner, getting the kids where they are supposed to be doing what they are supposed to do.  I think the hardest part of feeling so ‘needy’ is you instantly realize how so often you are the only one giving 120% and asking someone to pick up the slack when you can now only give 80% really really sucks.  It’s not even that they say no, it’s more like they don’t offer which means you have to ask and most likely be disappointed when it doesn’t get done.  It really doesn’t matter if you are married to someone or you pay someone, they only give what they can get away with giving.  I hate that I am losing faith, I’ve lived my life being the optimistic one, but when day after day you are left alone to pick up the pieces that are supposed to keep your life and family together, it’s discouraging.

Yes I have some good friends who are wonderful but how much can you put your friends through when you have people that are already supposed to be taking care of you?  I have my mom but she is working through her own grief, how can I expect more when she already gives me so much.  I’m angry and anger breeds more frustration which takes me even lower than I already feel.  I’m pissed the doctors don’t seem in a hurry to help fix me, “take more Vicodin” is what they say which to me makes me weaker than I already am.

So now what?  I sit and wait to go back to an orthopedic doctor with hopes he’ll give me some magic pill that will at least give me my good leg back.  I break down in front of my kids when they are fighting yet again and it’s only when they hear me sobbing that I am in pain and I need their help, that they both magically become the children I am trying so desperately to teach them to be.  They helped make dinner, they swept the floor, they put the dishes away….and I am grateful and it gives me some insight to the adults that someday they will become – the kind who will always give 120% whether they are paid to or take vows to.      I want to be whole again, body, mind, spirit.